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Dandy
29-09--2005, 01:02 AM
The begininig of your last relationship how quickly did you start having sex, sleeping together making love?
Do you think it made your relationship better or worse?
Apart from thinking your other half is a sexy bugger... what is your philosophy behind sex? ie : doesn't mean nowt/deep connection etc

crap muppet
29-09--2005, 08:12 AM
In my last long term one (3+ yrs), we met and went down the pub (She lived next door). I woke up with her naked in me bed and about 20 seconds later we were at it...

My god did she love to fuck :p - a sex mainac.

Dirty minx that one. Ah well!

Lasted 3 and a half years so it worked alright. She was a handful mind.

Firinne
29-09--2005, 09:34 AM
In my last long term one, straight away - we'd danced around the idea of a relationship for a while so once we were in we were in!

My philosophy on sex, ohhh ... now you've opened a can of worms.
I think there's a potential for deep connection, and the more you sleep with someone the more likely that is to develop, but I don't think it's mandatory.
Personally I prefer if not a connection than the potential for a connection, and the one thing that drives me mad is that so many people assume connection = commitment. If you hold hands you're a couple, so if you don't want to be a couple you're not allowed to hold hands and all that stuff.
I'm not too fussed about commitment, I think if it's right it develops naturally and people usually force it more out of a fear of being alone than any connection, but if I'm going to sleep with someone I like to feel able to relax and enjoy spending time with them and I don't want them to freak out if I smile/hold their hand/buy them an ice cream on the beach - it's nothing more than I'd do with a friend, so unless I'm talking about handfasting and jamming hula hoops on their fingers any panicking will be met by a stare of complete bemusement and a muttered "gods sake".

I guess that falls back on my annoyance that so many men assume all women want to land a guy and take him prisoner, I actually met someone once that lived in a morbid fear that some woman would come along and get pregnant just to force him into staying with them - it's such BS.
Sure, there are probably women out there that'd do that kind of thing but you're far less likely to find them on the hippy scene where people are more focused on self-development and fulfilment and are more likely to run off with your glass paints than your hand in marriage ;)

The Original Laney
29-09--2005, 09:40 AM
I wont give details.. But I think the Key to a long lasting relationship is to be friends first, simply so you have something to talk about inbetween sex bouts!!
Nothing worse than hitting the sac, then to realise you have nothing at all in common and it gets sour

crap muppet
29-09--2005, 10:15 AM
I wont give details.. But I think the Key to a long lasting relationship is to be friends first, simply so you have something to talk about inbetween sex bouts!!
Nothing worse than hitting the sac, then to realise you have nothing at all in common and it gets sour

sounds ideal. Has never happened like that yet though :sex:

Atomik
29-09--2005, 10:39 AM
I guess that falls back on my annoyance that so many men assume all women want to land a guy and take him prisonerYeah, it's a childish stereotype. I'd say on balance I've met more men who're loooking for a long-term relationship than women (perhaps I should stop hanging out in gay bars :lol:).

Personally, I don't mind waiting for sex. It's really not that big a deal. I'm quite happy to get right down to it if the attraction is there and both parties feel comfortable with it, but if the lady wants to wait..... no problem.

I've never really been interested in casual sex. It's something that I've only wanted to do with someone with whom I have a connection. Weirdly, I'd be more interested in casual sex now I'm older than I was when I was younger.... but perhaps part of that is due to the stability of a long term relationship? Again though, I can't see sex as something that's purely physical. I can't find a woman attractive unless I like her or unless there's some kind of connection there.

Sex, in my experience, gets much, much better the deeper your connection with and commitment to the other person. It enables you to build trust and intimacy, which are both essential ingredients of great sex. I could waffle on about this all day so I'll stop before I get boring!

Firinne
29-09--2005, 10:43 AM
Sex, in my experience, gets much, much better the deeper your connection with and commitment to the other person. It enables you to build trust and intimacy, which are both essential ingredients of great sex. I could waffle on about this all day so I'll stop before I get boring!

I totally agree, the most passionate moment I've ever had was a kiss with someone I have a really intense connection to. As a general rule I'm fairly empathic, but we had such an intense connection I could always tell how he was feeling from the other end of the country so the intensity of being physically connected was mindblowing and not something I'd experienced before (or indeed since, boo!).

Go on, waffle more ... it's a really interesting topic to delve into :)

Atomik
29-09--2005, 10:57 AM
Go on, waffle more ... it's a really interesting topic to delve into :)Oh, if you insist. I'll delve a little deeper into your.... umm... topic! :reddevil:

It interest me why people are often so convinced that being alone is a good thing. We're always told we should be strong and be comfortable with ourselves and our singledom. Yet humans are pack animals.... we're not socially conditioned to solitude. Plus, all our spiritual growth and development usually comes from our interactions with others. It therefore seems perfectly natural to me that we should seek out intimate relationships and desire that closest of bonds that's only to be found with a long-term sexual partner.

When I was lying in hospital the other day, waiting to be wheeled out of the recovery room after they operated on my ankle, I knew my partner was going to be waiting for me. I couldn't have contemplated the emptiness of having nobody there. What's wrong with that? Why shouldn't we seize that opportunity and relish it? I don't want to be strong. I don't need to be strong. Why not share the load? Isn't that the same as building community? Isn't that what relationships are all about? So why do we, as a society, fear this so much? Why do we stigmatise emotional dependency? I depend on food, warmth, shelter, air, water.... nobody stigmatises those needs. So why can't I depend on emotional support? Sure, maybe one day I'll have to get by without it, but that's another day. Today, I'm happy to relish what I have.

I don't think unless you embrace this intimate connection with another you can ever really experience sex at its best. It's a hard level of trust and connection to find, but it's amazing once you have it. There's nothing left to prove to each other. And you're having sex not with the primary intention of pleasuring yourself, but rather with the intent of pleasuring another. This is a dynamic that I think many men miss in their rush towards orgasm. Sex is a two-person sport. And it isn't a thirty second sprint.

Right, taking a break after that rant!

Dandy
29-09--2005, 11:29 AM
I like the way you think Dok! But its good to know your alright alone, specailly at my age because relationships more often than not last short periods because we are changing a lot and finding ourselves.. which in turn make or breaks relationship. So knowing your strong on your own prepares you for any eventuality!

Atomik
29-09--2005, 11:33 AM
I like the way you think Dok! But its good to know your alright alone, specailly at my age because relationships more often than not last short periods because we are changing a lot and finding ourselves.. which in turn make or breaks relationship. So knowing your strong on your own prepares you for any eventuality!Oh, I'm not saying there's anything worng with being 'alright alone' or that it's not good to be strong. But there's also nothing wrong with letting go of some of the burden of singleness and sharing it with someone else when you enter a relationship.

Whirler
29-09--2005, 11:41 AM
With my first long-term b/f I was 17 and waited a while before having sex. We were friends before we got together and we did a lot of exploring! When we actually had sex I'd had a major emotional upheaval which seemed to affect my sex drive so sex was never that wanted or enjoyed and I was always looking around to get that initial buzz back.

After 3.5 years in that relationship I went a bit crazy (started getting back to my Essex roots :o ) and pretty much slept with most blokes I thought I had a 'connection' with. Most of it was shit and I found myself wanting it to be over. After a year or two I decided that I'd had enough and wasn't interested in messing around anymore - it bored me. That's when I met Dok. :wub:

Looking back I know I was just craving that spark that you get when you meet someone, that flirtatious game that can be so enjoyable. Problem was, I never knew when to stop. I couldn't work out the boundary between fantasy and reality. I think that can be the same for people in relationships too when they see someone else attractive - it's the spark that is missed and the idea of being with someone else can be alluring when in reality they'll still have hairy feet and spotty arses and their farts will smell!!

So what was the question? Oh yeah, sex. It is SOOOO much better with someone you love and trust. Honesty and openness is such a big turn on. Since me n Dok have been together I've seen myself 'mature' (that's a good thing!) in so many ways, I'm much more aware of who I am and what I want out of life and these things are with you in every aspect of a relationship. I'm so much more comfortable with my body than I was 5 years ago, and believe me, it really helps!!! ;)

I also think that perhaps it shouldn't mean as much as it does in some ways, i.e. we can take it too seriously and yet, no matter what people say, it has a direct emotional impact on us so how can we not get caught up in it? It's all so confusing!

Anyway, after 7 years n 8 months, the sex is still fantastic!!! :clap:

Firinne
29-09--2005, 12:22 PM
It interest me why people are often so convinced that being alone is a good thing. We're always told we should be strong and be comfortable with ourselves and our singledom. Yet humans are pack animals.... we're not socially conditioned to solitude. Plus, all our spiritual growth and development usually comes from our interactions with others. It therefore seems perfectly natural to me that we should seek out intimate relationships and desire that closest of bonds that's only to be found with a long-term sexual partner.

When I was lying in hospital the other day, waiting to be wheeled out of the recovery room after they operated on my ankle, I knew my partner was going to be waiting for me. I couldn't have contemplated the emptiness of having nobody there. What's wrong with that? Why shouldn't we seize that opportunity and relish it? I don't want to be strong. I don't need to be strong. Why not share the load? Isn't that the same as building community? Isn't that what relationships are all about? So why do we, as a society, fear this so much? Why do we stigmatise emotional dependency? I depend on food, warmth, shelter, air, water.... nobody stigmatises those needs. So why can't I depend on emotional support? Sure, maybe one day I'll have to get by without it, but that's another day. Today, I'm happy to relish what I have.

I've been there, but on the opposite side of the fence and believe me - there's nothing worse than coming out of an operating theatre and being alone, or going in knowing there's no-one waiting outside wishing you well.
I'd say all in all I'm happy being single these days though, not because I don't want that connection but because I'm happy to wait for it - I've tried to create that spark in the past because I missed having it so much and it always ends badly, best to hang on for the real thing than settle for the synthetic model and let yourself become cynical through disappointment.

I agree, we are pack animals though and life is so much easier and more pleasant when you have someone to share everything with, I think for a lot of people that's the root of the problem - they've had that and lost it, and they're scared if they find it and lose it again it'll be more than they can take, I can understand that I guess - there's some depths of misery I'd certainly never jump in the queue to experience again and I think everyone has that natural reticence about exploring anything that's caused them pain. I'm an incurable optimist though, I've been hurt a lot in the past but I've also had a lot of good times and I think they balance each other out.
Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, etc ... :)

Sarah
29-09--2005, 12:59 PM
I wont give details.. But I think the Key to a long lasting relationship is to be friends first I agree with this Ellie :)

My last relationship was all about sex right from the word go really.. we were friends for a couple of weeks and then started seeing each other and it was ALL about sex. Don't get me wrong - it was great for the first few months but then things started to go wrong in our lives and there was nothing to support or backbone our relationship other than sex ?! So obviously that relationship didn't last :rolleyes: Our only intimacy was based on having sex - there was no other intimacy to the relationship.

I am now a firm believer in finding intimacy with a partner on many different levels , not just the nekkid shaggin one ;) If that can be found then if (for example) one or both parties lose their sex drive then the relationship doesn't necessarily have to suffer. If intimacy can be found on a variety of levels - moving away from physical now and into realms of mental compatibility and friendship - then if sex becomes a problem for one of you then there are loads of other ways to work round it ;) It can get kinda frustrating but then thats where the other levels of intimacy act as foundation stones for the relationship so it survives :wub: and talking from experience I think relationships grow stronger for this kind of paying attention to one another in an intimate way without the intimacy being solely to do with sex :)

Hope that makes sense

Love n Hugs

Sarah xxx

stormypagan
29-09--2005, 01:59 PM
I was in a 14 year relationship from the age of 19, he was a soulmate for sure and as some have said the friendship was there and hence thats why we lasted so long. The sex got better as we continued our relationship but it was me that was into it the most. This was one of the reasons sadly we split up (I started to see sex as more important than our friendship - I see how crap that is now believe me) but the main one was we started to grow away from each other in my eyes. But then I will never know for sure now!!

After this soul mate relationship, I then had an emotionally abusive relationship based on sex (fun but painful emotionally), and a few other flings but I came to realise that the friendship was the key element, as Ellie said. I came full circle on that one, but I know I had to go through the couple of years in the wilderness to be able to grow after such a secure relationship for so long. Lessons for the soul!! very important to help you grow as a person.

Now I have the love of my life Stonesy, compatiable through and through. It didn't take us long to jump into bed hehehe (whoops sorry Stonesy) but when you know you know :0) We have only been together nearly a year with a baby on the way but it is sooooooooo right for us :0) Ok I am biased but he is beautiful inside (most importantly) and out. This is more important to me than sex (but hey it's all good hehehe).

So I guess what I am trying to say is friendship is ultimately more important to me but yes good sex is healthy to for a relationship <grin>

Love and light
Xxxx Stormy xxxX

stormypagan
29-09--2005, 02:06 PM
Like Dok says the connection has to be there really for a relationship to work :0) or for you to want to go there, a heart felt soul connection. Anyone can have a fling!!

Unconditional love would be brilliant and the ultimate but in reality I don't think it is achievable among most humans, as there is always a condition we oppose on our loved ones. I suppose that is 21st Century living too!! The closest I could get to unconditional love, is the love for a child or an animal but then that's a totally different relationship to that of one with a partner, as we know!!

Atomik
29-09--2005, 02:12 PM
The closest I could get to unconditional love, is the love for a child or an animal but then that's a totally different relationship to that of one with a partner, as we know!!
Not in Somerset it's not :eeek:

stormypagan
29-09--2005, 02:14 PM
Not in Somerset it's not :eeek:

huh???????????

Atomik
29-09--2005, 02:16 PM
Somerset's like the Deep South. Well known for it's six fingered residents who spend their sultry summer's evenings donning wellies and chasing sheep :help:

stormypagan
29-09--2005, 02:25 PM
Ahhhh got you!! <makes mental note not to go down the west country again>

Anyway, think that's a universal past time, you should see the sheep up here, scared is all I can say!! (stopping now due to tasteless subject)

The Original Laney
29-09--2005, 06:33 PM
spend their sultry summer's evenings donning wellies and chasing sheep :help:

One of my most favorite passtimes :wub:

Dready Warrior
29-09--2005, 09:25 PM
The begininig of your last relationship how quickly did you start having sex, sleeping together making love?
Do you think it made your relationship better or worse?
Apart from thinking your other half is a sexy bugger... what is your philosophy behind sex? ie : doesn't mean nowt/deep connection etc

we did it the night we met! and i dont think it would have made any difference if we had waited. we ended up being together for 6 years and although we have been split up 2 years now he is one of my best mates and a great father (although not biological) to my son.

i have never really 'slept around' although i have had a couple of one nighters but the four serious relationships i have had as an adult i have slept with them pretty much straight away. last year i did meet someone and waited and got to know them better and finally had sex after 3 months (he did live 100 miles away so we didn't see each other that often!) and then he finished it after a couple of months, i think he actually liked chasing me more than having a relationship with me!

i think sex is very special when you're in love and you connect on that level, nothing beats it. but there's no harm in getting your rocks off now and then with a random attractive stranger hehehe. the problem comes if you are out doing this all the time. it becomes shallow and unfulfilling.

i have enjoyed being on my own most of the time as i have changed a lot in the last couple of years but i do feel ready now to embark on a relationship as i have a clear idea about what i want from life. we are pack animals and we all want to be part of a clan/family and that includes having a life partner.

god am i waffling? :o sorry!

Perthite
09-10--2005, 01:23 AM
hmmm casual sex is kinda interesting but i've not really explored it properly so i'll refrain from a detail comment. Me and becky were at it a good 3 weeks before we went out but we've known each other a very long time (all my life in fact but we'd only been friends for about 2 years before we started going out) I found it quite cool that we were doing outside of a relationship becaue the secrecy of it was very fun. By the time we were going out everyone knew we were at it anyway. I think sex falls into 2 catagories. Lust sex and passion sex. I've done lust a few times witha few girls. It's fun and novel, but really it doesn't compare to passion sex that you get from being completely intimate with someone for a long period of time. The sex i'm having just now is far and away the best sex i've ever had for a number of reasons but i think the commitment to each other plays a massive part in why it's so good.

Sunny
17-10--2005, 02:51 PM
The begininig of your last relationship how quickly did you start having sex, sleeping together making love?
Do you think it made your relationship better or worse?
Apart from thinking your other half is a sexy bugger... what is your philosophy behind sex? ie : doesn't mean nowt/deep connection etc

I started verrrrry slowly this time. Or slowly for me anyway. Considering that beforehand i'd been having a lot of casual relationships with girls at college, it was such a contrast being in a slightly scary heterosexual relationship. So yeah, we took things very slowly. I think we had sex about three months after first kissing :o, which is a very long time for me.
It definately changes the relationship. I do find that it puts a lot of pressure on. There seems even more sexual tension between the two of you at first after first starting to have sex together. It makes the relationship a little bit more serious in my eyes too. The psychology of it all is so complicated.
I find sex with males really difficult. I find that it does vary how stable i'm feeling at the time though. If i am feeling a bit depressive or a bit panicky, then sex absolutely terrifies me as a start having bad thoughts and flashbacks of bad situations. But this never happened in my sexual relationships with girls. However, none of my female relationships lasted long enough to become as serious as the heterosexual relationshiip i'm in now. It could be that i just subconsciously create obstacles in more serious relationships. May be if i went out with a girl for longer, i'd find myself developing some other sort of complex? Who knows. I don't necessarily think that i would, but i do know that i do make things harder for myself. I can forget the past, but sometimes i just don't.
Sex is defiantely part of the increased bonding in a relationship, and i think it is sometimes wonderful. Sexual relationships can be a beautiful dance of emotions, but they do seem somehow more fragile than a strong, non sexual friendship.

Love,
Sunny
xxx

Dapablo
17-10--2005, 04:29 PM
Phew, how things have changed. :)

Sunny
17-10--2005, 04:33 PM
Phew, how things have changed. :)

How do you mean?

xxx

Lozi
22-10--2005, 05:31 AM
i've never had sex so can't really comment...at all..ideally i wouldn't have sex until i was sure i was gonna last with that person. If i'm sposed to last with someone forever then they can jolly well wait til i'm ready! If not, sod them! hmm
Sex for me is a bit of a negative thing. It shouldn't be, but ...i'm scared of it. The idea of it...petrifies me.

Atomik
22-10--2005, 10:09 AM
Sex for me is a bit of a negative thing. It shouldn't be, but ...i'm scared of it. The idea of it...petrifies me.I think that's a fairly common feeling before you've actually experienced it. Just make sure you find someone with a little sensitivity for your first time and you'll be fine :thumbup:

the dj
27-10--2005, 06:23 PM
Yeah, it's a childish stereotype. I'd say on balance I've met more men who're loooking for a long-term relationship than women (perhaps I should stop hanging out in gay bars :lol:).

Ditto.


Personally, I don't mind waiting for sex. It's really not that big a deal. I'm quite happy to get right down to it if the attraction is there and both parties feel comfortable with it, but if the lady wants to wait..... no problem.

Waiting can either make it more special or make you realise they were wrong for you and that you should let them go before you waste your love on them. Sorted.


I've never really been interested in casual sex. It's something that I've only wanted to do with someone with whom I have a connection. Weirdly, I'd be more interested in casual sex now I'm older than I was when I was younger.... but perhaps part of that is due to the stability of a long term relationship? Again though, I can't see sex as something that's purely physical.

Tried it more than once but it isn't right for someone (like me) who prefers emotional ties.


I can't find a woman attractive unless I like her or unless there's some kind of connection there.

It's better when it's someone you click with, as opposed to some pretty thing in a pub, methinks, yarrr.


Sex, in my experience, gets much, much better the deeper your connection with and commitment to the other person. It enables you to build trust and intimacy, which are both essential ingredients of great sex. I could waffle on about this all day so I'll stop before I get boring!

I agree furthermore.

And in answer to the question, sometimes I hav waited, sometimes there has been no sex and sometimes you can't help but shag/make love/fuck from the moment you meet.

Chegzy
28-10--2005, 02:07 PM
So why do we, as a society, fear this so much? Why do we stigmatise emotional dependency?
I think its just because of the fear of being hurt, so people use being single and sleeping arround to try and make it appear that theyre having fun and have no risks of heartbreak

Orthey could be like me and just havnt found anyone they want to be with

Dapablo
28-10--2005, 02:18 PM
How do you mean?

Your statements would of been unimaginable when I was a teenager.
No direspect directed at you though, just jealousy. :)

Dandy
21-11--2005, 08:55 PM
what was your sex life like then at her age?

Dapablo
22-11--2005, 10:43 AM
LOL, three guesses. :)

Atomik
23-11--2005, 02:50 PM
LOL, three guesses. :)Sheep, sheep, sheep :harhar:

TREASON
23-11--2005, 02:56 PM
Sheep, sheep, sheep :harhar:

lol

ive waited and had sex on first night.
just depends on how you both feel at the time.
its all good n right i reckon.

Dapablo
23-11--2005, 03:51 PM
Sheep, sheep, sheep :harhar:

LOL, what in Dagenham ? :)

ecomamma
23-11--2005, 04:08 PM
there is nothing casual about sex!!!:harhar:




i always wait, never on the first night or second or third even......usually when it just gets to a build up point then :insane:

never had a shag out of a realtionship.....a half shag yep but not the full ermmmm uno:eek: exploxion
havent got to that point for over 3 years & for me thats a really magical moment & i cant say I feel i could do that with a random person....:rolleyes: altho never say never eh:reddevil: