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Thread: post-rape advice

  1. #1
    the essence of existance Blu's Avatar
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    post-rape advice

    pardon my random warbeling, but i really need some advice....

    Way back in 2005, around10 months before i met ListerD, I had a MASIVE falling out with my Dad, and ran away from home.So where would you go in such a situation? Best mates house, maybe??
    This is what I did, as I figured it would be for the best, as I was 3/4 way through a joinery appreniceship, and did not want to give it up. Hence I had to stay in the local area.
    My 21st birthday came a few days later, and i was really upset, as it was my first birthday without my family...and quite an important one at that. I mean, your 21st? who wants that ruined?? A couple of days later, my mate was away at her boyfriends, and her Dad offered to take me into town, to stop me moaping about the farmhouse...which seemed fair enouh, i needed the cheering up. I totally trusted him, as I'd known her since day 1 of primary school, and her Dad had let us stay over loads of times through the years.
    We went to town that evening, and met up with some of his mates, then went to a couple of pubs. With hinesite, i can see he was trying to get me drunk, then take me to his mates place, but i didnt realise at the time. he kissed me in the back of his mates car, and tryed to get me to share the sofa at his mates...but i refused point blank.
    The morning eventually came, and we left(i was dependant on him to get back, as i had no money, no fone, nothing)to go back to his farm. When we got back, he took me upstairs, and "had a shot". I felt so horrible. I had never had sex before. I bled on his bed, and he asked me what was the matter? I was too scared to move, or say anything. I was to scared even to cry, or run.
    Unfortunatly I wasnt in a position to go home either, thanks to my dads antics.I felt so scared, and trapped. I couldnt go home, I didnt want to stay at the farm, I couldnt simply run away(I'd lose my job and never get to serve my time), so I tryed the local council office in the town whre I worked. I told them I was homeless, what could they do? They put me on a list, and told me i wasnt priority. I was made to stay at the farm. I was too numb to tell them what had happened...to afraid of what "they would think". I tryed going in to their offices every other day(as often as i could, without losing my job), i tryed telling them that Id sleep on their office floor if the didnt give me a place to go. Still I got no-where. I had no-where to go, so i just had to stay at the farm. it was horrible. Every day I cycled 10miles to work, and 10 miles back...knowing he'd be there "waiting" for me when i got back. It felt like vultures circling a dying cow..you just knew what was coming-- and it wasnt good. Most nights after I got home, Id have a wash, some supper, and watch TV, then he'd take me to bed later on. Id wake up in the morning, jump on my bike and away to work.
    This went on for almost 5 months...purely because i had NO-WHERE else to go. I was too scared to tell anyone. I couldnt speak to anyone at work, a joinery workshops full of men...and men werent exactly the flavour of the month at the time...if you catch my drift. I couldnt tell my parents, as they were the reason i left in the first place. In the whole time I was at the farm, all the council could come up with was a flat in Montrose( thats 30miles away directly, with no public transport from there to work, so Id have to leave my job, and sign on... makes a shed load of sense, huh?)
    Last edited by Blu; 12-01--2008 at 10:56 PM.
    jim jam jobbies


  2. #2
    hunny thats an awful story
    firstly big hugs you are one strong lady
    its not so long ago either is it have you not considered reporting this guy

    as for the council they are fecking useless
    voted nicest member..........thats what they think

  3. #3
    the essence of existance Blu's Avatar
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    At the same time as all this was going on, some slimey muppet at my work decided he liked th look of me, and wanted to know if, how shall i say, "i was into photography".
    "Great" i thought..."Im the local bike"....It just felt like the whole world knew. He hastled me and hastled me for months about it, to the degree that he would show me pics of his cock and pics of him showering on his digital camera. I felt horrible. I felt sick. I felt alone. Nobody knew...and nobody seemed to care.
    By this time I was getting letters from work asking why i was at work so few days a week...but i didnt have the heart/bravery to tell them what was going on.Eventually, I just lost heart and left work...stupidly with only 2 months to go! I just couldn hack it anymore. I couldnt hack feeling dirty, couldnt hack being the only female, couldnt hack the fact everything was crumbling around me.
    --------------------------------------
    That was 2 years ago now, and Im with Lister, Spike and Ziggie...and I wouldntchange it for the world! I didnt tell Lister any of this until around may last year...and i figured it was either going to make or break us, asit wasnt exactly the best timing I could have picked! I dont know haw he felt really. He was obviously angry, and perhaps a bit disbelieveing...but what would you do if your fiance had just dropped this bombshell when your lying in bed together??? I dont know what long term effects it may have on him. Hes an angry enough guy at the best of times, as im sure alot of you well know.

    What Id like is some advice. Ive written this on here...almost as if im making a start on the road to recovery...by sharing all my crap with you poor folks. I need good advice, and perhaps to seek some professional help too. I cant afford alot, so if anyone can suggest who I can goto and speak to, it would be VERY much appreciated.
    jim jam jobbies

  4. #4
    what about going to the doc and asking to be referred for some couselling hunny
    that way its free and confidential
    then you might be in a better position mentally to report this sleaze bag and stop him doing it to someone else
    voted nicest member..........thats what they think

  5. #5
    the essence of existance Blu's Avatar
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    I do have a few questions that Id like advice on too.

    1) is it too late to report him? I hav no dna or anything as evidence. what can i do? Would it help any at such a late stage?
    2)if i can get counciling, would i be able to get counciling for Lister too? He's got alot of his own shit going on...and me adding to it hasnt helped. He trys to be the big brave man, but i know it cuts him up inside.
    3) The wankers daughter has just contacted me on Bebo. Ive known her for feckin years, and dont know weather to accept her or not. Im really scared her page will trigger something/memories, but dont want to let her dad ruin our friendship. She has no idea what her dad has done, as she was staying away at her mums most of the time. I know shes not to blame...im just scared.
    jim jam jobbies

  6. #6
    you could both go to the docs hunny and ask to be reffered for counselling

    its never too late too report him hunny

    i would say no to adding her just now in all honesty it could rake up lots of memories and if your thinking of reporting him
    voted nicest member..........thats what they think

  7. #7
    Heavenly Creature
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    Firstly, well done for talking about it. It'll make dealing with the whole thing easier. There was a thread a while ago where similar advice was sought, but I can't find it. Just so's you know that there are those on here that will definitely empathise rather than merely sympathise.
    These guys (
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    ) will have the answers you need about how to report, etc.
    There should be a reasonably local Rape Crisis centre which should have knowledgeable people there to help.
    Good luck.

    EDIT: Regarding the bebo friend, I'd stay clear of that kind of complication for a while.

  8. #8
    Trev's Mamma <3 campertess's Avatar
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    I can't offer any advice Blu i'm sorry.
    But have these
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    You are one brave strong lady !
    Love alot,Trust a few
    but always paddle your own canoe.

  9. #9
    Confused.... Kaiya's Avatar
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    I don't have any set advice. Alli can say is too some extent I understand. It is not to late to go to the police, but with no physical evidence...to be honest...from my personal experience I think it will just make it worse for you...it did for me...the police are not helpfull people...you have to make nasty descriptive statements...and then they will probably wont do much about it due to the lack of evidence...

    if you want to talk ever though PM me....

  10. #10
    Heavenly Creature FŽanor's Avatar
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    Sweetheart, that is one fuckin' horrible story. I know it does not help, but this man would like to go punch a couple of other men on the nose
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    However that aside I want to say a couple of things.
    In the first place you have to talk to whoever you feel comfortable talking with.
    In the second place, seeing as you have just told this story to (potentialy) everyone on this forum I would say you are well on the way to recovery.
    A huge
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    From me. These posts must have taken one hell of a lot of courage to do.

    What else can I say in support on an internet forum, to someone I've never met but who has written something that has really touched me.
    Keep working through this because you are going about it in about the best way you can - by dealing with it full on.
    You are not alone.
    You have friends.
    We're listening.
    "Conformity is neither clever nor desirable"

  11. #11
    Heavenly Creature FŽanor's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Blu
    I do have a few questions that Id like advice on too.


    3) The wankers daughter has just contacted me on Bebo. Ive known her for feckin years, and dont know weather to accept her or not. Im really scared her page will trigger something/memories, but dont want to let her dad ruin our friendship. She has no idea what her dad has done, as she was staying away at her mums most of the time. I know shes not to blame...im just scared.
    IMHO You should level it with her by telling her what you have told us, send her a copy of your posts here explaing the context, if you can't face explaining it to her directly. If there is real friendship there between the two of you then it will still be there once the truth is out.
    "Conformity is neither clever nor desirable"

  12. #12
    Confused.... Kaiya's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by FŽanor
    IMHO You should level it with her by telling her what you have told us, send her a copy of your posts here explaing the context, if you can't face explaining it to her directly. If there is real friendship there between the two of you then it will still be there once the truth is out.
    personally i think that could potentially make things worse...becuase...people tend to blame the victims...and it being her father...i can't see her beliveing you...

    don't add her on bebo....(or whever it was)...it will mean loosing a friendship...but its better to get that part of your life away from you...
    one of the best things i did was cut off everything associated with "them".

  13. #13
    Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Twister's Avatar
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    I've been tripping from sipping the dripping dirty water tap,
    i've been thinking i'm drinking too many drinks all by myself.
    I've been poking a voodoo doll that you do not know I made, for you, of you.
    Let's see what needles do.

  14. #14
    Heavenly Creature Lister D's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by FŽanor
    IMHO You should level it with her by telling her what you have told us, send her a copy of your posts here explaing the context, if you can't face explaining it to her directly. If there is real friendship there between the two of you then it will still be there once the truth is out.
    Understand where youre coming from mate, but believe me, from my side, its taken me alot of courage to NOT to call the cavalry in. The simple reason is that i love Blu and all the anger in the world wont change this. Iv only met this wankers daughter once and that was a chance meeting . I have the upmost sympathy for her, she is innocent in all this, as is her wee brother, NEITHER of them need this pain, the only one to blame is that wanker!!!!

    Im here for Blu and always will be. Time is a healer.

  15. #15
    Not Quite a Noobie FreeLovChic's Avatar
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    It's too late now to get him done,I think.
    But it's never too late to seek emotional and mental advise.

    Go see your G.P he/she is the 1st step to recovery.

    You don't need money.

    Your G.P will sort out contacts ect and get you into some kinda help programme just to express your feelings.

    I don't want to sound crude but maybe you also could be checked out down below?

    Just to be safe? Ya know
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    )

    Also guys who treat you like meat just tell them to Fuk off it's out of line for them to talk and do things like that

    Tell them you're a Lady not a whore

    Keep close to your friends people you trust
    'We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking up at the stars' :o)

  16. #16
    free as a bird freecloud's Avatar
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    at least you have love and support there in the form of lister. Things have gone on in my life and I've no love or protection around me and things are kicking off again. I do understand and if you need too please pm me.
    ALWAYS vacant...NEVER free

  17. #17
    Mum to boob monster Evie Luna mama's Avatar
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    Hey, haven't been on this sight long and don't pretend to know in the slightest how you feel but it sounds like you need some help to find out questions only you can answer (whether to accept your old friend). If you try taking the bach flower remedy cerato. It will really help you to trust your own instincts and make choices based on that. Take four drops twice a day in water xx

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  18. #18

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    Originally Posted by Blu
    1) is it too late to report him? I hav no dna or anything as evidence. what can i do? Would it help any at such a late stage?
    In all honesty, your chances of getting a conviction are about zero. Having said that, a lot of it comes down to how you feel insided and what you want to achieve. Maybe it's worthreporting it just so the police at least question him. Then he'll know that you're not running and hiding from it any more. Also, if the police speak to him, it might make him think twice before doing it to someone else.

    2)if i can get counciling, would i be able to get counciling for Lister too? He's got alot of his own shit going on...and me adding to it hasnt helped. He trys to be the big brave man, but i know it cuts him up inside.
    Anyone can get counselling. He'll need to go to his doctor and request it, but there'll probably be a waiting list.

    3) The wankers daughter has just contacted me on Bebo. Ive known her for feckin years, and dont know weather to accept her or not. Im really scared her page will trigger something/memories, but dont want to let her dad ruin our friendship. She has no idea what her dad has done, as she was staying away at her mums most of the time. I know shes not to blame...im just scared.
    There's no real advice to give here... it's your choice. If you want her in your life and you can handle the stuff that seeing her brings up, then yeah, get in touch. But that's your call. Same goes for telling her about her dad. If it would help you, then tell her. If she's not stupid, she'll put two and two together and know you're telling the truth. There's a high chance he's already abused her. So if you tell her, expect it to bring up a fair amount of stuff, one way or another. But it's all your choice... do what feels best for you.

    It's brave of you to talk about this, and you're doing so in a very balanced and intelligent way. It seems to me like you've got a good handle on the situation under the circumstances, so however bad you feel from time to time, just remember that you're dealing with it really well. It takes time to work through the damage that this kind of abuse causes, but you're obviously taking the right steps.

  19. #19

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    Originally Posted by Atomik
    In all honesty, your chances of getting a conviction are about zero. Having said that, a lot of it comes down to how you feel insided and what you want to achieve.
    To add to that, if you do report it be prepared for unpleasantness and scrutiny. Obviously it'll bring up the memories in detail but you may also be dealing with unsympathetic police or it may feel that way.

  20. #20
    the essence of existance Blu's Avatar
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    Thanks for the advice and support guys, it means alot to me.
    Freelovchic, I am going to go and get checked out "down there", which to be honest, should have been done fecking AGES ago, not least because i know he'd been over in Africa on holiday before I turned up. His daughter told me the reason her mum and dad werent together was because he slept with an african woman TWICE when they were over there.
    Lister recons i must be clean, as any effects of std's would have been noticable by now. Id still like to get checked out tho...mainly for the "piece of mind". Not looking forward to it tho.......

    Atomik, I sort of thought it wouldnt do much good to report him now, since it was so long ago. On the other hand, maybe it would help me get back at him. Nothing may be done in the eyes of the law, but surely his friends and family would start to question why police were round at his door. Tounges would start to wag, and it wouldnt take that long for stories to leak, and him to be found out.
    I remember him saying to me that he thought his wife was onto him, because she had been smoking cannabis round at her place with mates, and they had let slip about him kissing me in the car. The sleaze reconed she'd dismiss it tho, as she was probably "out of her tree" when they told her. But then (i dont know much about drugs, so correct me if im wrong), does cannibis not make you "let thing slip" with out realising it? almost like a sort of "truth" drug? I dont really know if she had/has any clue at all. I certainly never mentioned it.
    jim jam jobbies

  21. #21
    the essence of existance Blu's Avatar
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    as for my old mate, Im still undecided. I dont know if she has a clue or not. She knows her dad is a cheat, as he went with the african woman when they were supposed to be on a family holiday. She also knows he still (or at that time), sends money out to the woman a few times a year. Perhaps that puts me in a better positon to tell her? or perhaps she doesnt need all this extra "shit" just now?
    Maybe i should accept her, and see how it goes. Maybe that way I can ask how her family are getting along, and try and gauge it that way?
    Maybe im just creating a mountain from a molehill.......
    jim jam jobbies

  22. #22
    Heavenly Creature
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    Sending you lots of love

    Do contact The Rape Crisis women, they know lots and are there to help cos they've been there and will support you what ever you decide to do.

  23. #23
    hiya blu
    how are you feeling this morning hun
    i just wanted to say that i think uyou should be very proud of your self for facing this
    it can only be up from here on
    love sensi
    voted nicest member..........thats what they think

  24. #24
    the essence of existance Blu's Avatar
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    Im ok sensi. I was really glad to see so may people offering advice when i got up this morning! I didnt expect so much! THANKYOU!
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    Ive decided my first move is going to be regestering with the Docs along the road next week. lister did it months ago, for his inhalers...i didnt bother cos Im one of those folk that can go for years without seeing a doc! Once im on their lists, I'll start trying to get some help. I want to go along to the GUM clinic aswell...but Im really scared of "being probed" or whatever.Ive heard its not very pleasent.
    jim jam jobbies

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