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Thread: Feeling out of place with other school mums

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    Chilling Out Willowstars's Avatar
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    Feeling out of place with other school mums

    My daughter goes to the village school, its like lovely and her teacher is amazing and let's them do stuff like mummifying tomatoes and crazy art projects. I have real problems fitting in with other mums though as because it's rural there are a lot of very affluent people ( not me though). My daughter has made a nice friend and went over for tea on Thursday to a very nice house. The other mum arrived in her Porsche and I was there in my van. I was offered a glass of prosecco ( I refused as I never drink and drive) and the two mums chatted about the village ball they're going to - I am not going as 50 ticket plus extra for alcohol is way out of my price range and I don't even own a dress. I felt like shit during this whole episode and had the ground swallowed me up if have been very grateful. I can't make my daughter choose her friends but how do I get over the economic barriers ( skiing at Easter anyone) without upsetting her?


  2. #2
    Ah found it! Moderator FriedOnion's Avatar
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    I'm guessing your daughter is young. As she gets older she may become aware of the differences & gravitate more towards kids that want to get their hands dirty and muck around with animals rather than take piano lessons.

    Don't try to compete, it will just make you feel bad. For now I think just act as if there is no barrier, if they discuss skiing at easter just say something like "that must be nice" and perhaps steer the conversation towards something you're more comfortable with. If they do get sarky you could always say something like you gave up flying due to the carbon footprint.
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    Chilling Out Willowstars's Avatar
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    Thanks Fried onion - made me feel better xx
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    Shed Junkie alices wonderland's Avatar
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    Don't be fooled. They will be more than aware of your financial limits. For some affluent people, acting richer is a glove they long to wear and for the glove to fit them well. Each time they socialise, they learn which finger goes where in those gloves. What they fear more than you is loosing just one of their gloves, because unlike you. They would find both of their hands cold.
    Often those who for a better word (brag) about their wealth, are new comers to having money. Having a nice car, home and all the trappings leaves people vulnerable to the dept collector Instead. Either one of these two women you sat with, may NOT have the money to blow on the ticket. For them pinning it to the collective dept (bank card) and sort it out later. Is the way they roll.

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    Chilling Out Willowstars's Avatar
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    Money has always made me feel uncomfortable I just don't like excess. like you say I can survive with nothing so I want for nothing. Which makes me wonder if these people are making me squirm on purpose ( which isn't a nice feeling at all).
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    Jesus is not your friend Fire-Tree's Avatar
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    There's no need to feel uncomfortable, who's to say that don't wish they had a life like yours.

    Concentrate on being a good mother, it's a much better use of your time and your daughter will appreciate it x
    Blog: Experiencing England in a car with no money

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    Heavenly Creature
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    Originally Posted by alices wonderland
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    Don't be fooled. They will be more than aware of your financial limits. For some affluent people, acting richer is a glove they long to wear and for the glove to fit them well. Each time they socialise, they learn which finger goes where in those gloves. What they fear more than you is loosing just one of their gloves, because unlike you. They would find both of their hands cold.
    Often those who for a better word (brag) about their wealth, are new comers to having money. Having a nice car, home and all the trappings leaves people vulnerable to the dept collector Instead. Either one of these two women you sat with, may NOT have the money to blow on the ticket. For them pinning it to the collective dept (bank card) and sort it out later. Is the way they roll.
    This is such a good answer. My Mum used to say fur coat and no knickers. As a kid I thought that meant they spent all their money on the coat and couldn't afford knickers!!
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    maybe Mum meant something else but you get the jist...
    Anyway, if they keep taking the verbal pot shots fook em, be polite and avoid them! This is one of the many many times I'm glad I didn't have kids.

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    Transcending whitepoppy's Avatar
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    Don't let it drag you down hun. At the end of the day the love and time you give your child is worth infinitely more than afternoon drinking and skiing trips ( where no doubt the kids get dumped off on the instructor while they swan about acting posh). Your example will be teaching your child that its a persons inherent worth that is valuable, not the depth of their wallets.

    My parents used to call these people 'plastic millionaires', because more often than not, their wealth is being bounced back and forth between credit cards, and it only takes one bad call on their part before their house built on sand sinks, and they end up bankrupt.

    X
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    Heavenly Creature parrotandcrow's Avatar
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    I wouldn't assume that they meant anything at all. They were probably just talking between themselves as they always do. If they did not approve of you and your lifestyle, you would find their children were discouraged from playing with yours. Train yourself to see no barriers and there will not be.
    I have a few friends who I consider to be very wealthy as far as money is concerned, but they are lovely people for all that. They invite me to stuff I cannot afford sometimes, and I just laugh at them and tell them so. If you have confidence as to your own worth, you will fit in anywhere. Good luck xx
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    Afloat ... or adrift? marshlander's Avatar
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    Some very wise answers already. I also live in a rural area and you'll know there is considerable deprivation in the countryside too. I see no need to look up to, nor down upon, anyone else. If anyone thinks that is inappropriate it is their problem, not mine. I may not be wealthy, but I live as modest a life as I need to make me feel very rich in many other ways.
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    Transcending Ecobob's Avatar
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    Just be yourself and forget about any barriers that may or may not exist that's what we do.
    My partner looks after children from a well off family (and yes they also go skiing at Easter, and somewhere more tropical in the summer)
    We don't pretend to try and keep up with them just get along with them and find common ground. They go skiing in the Alps, and we wild camp in the in the van but I'm sure we all have the same enjoyment levels. I like to kid myself that we don't have the stresses of a high pressure job like them but that's probably not true...
    Anyway from my point of view I wouldn't swap places with them so that must make me better off, or rather more content with what I have.
    I mean really who wants the stress of driving a Porsche around anyway I'm much happier with my old banger, at least I can put the dog in the back without the worry , or leave it in the supermarket car park knowing no one is gonna nick it or pinch the wheels.
    Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
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    Chilling Out Willowstars's Avatar
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    I like it Ecobob - my car too has more dog hair than class!!
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  13. #13
    I find at the school gates and groups are wealthy or trying to appear wealthy. Sometimes I look at the people wearing their wealth and figured it might be easier for them to just print their bank balance and wear that instead.

    I have friends who make me feel the same and I hate feeling like I am the poor one, but then I remind myself that those things aren't the things I am trying to attract in my own life anyway xx

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    Chilling Out Willowstars's Avatar
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    Yellow daisy I know exactly what you mean! Amber ( my daughter) and I like nothing better than a rummage in a charity shop for goodies! We pride ourselves on being both recyclers and giving to charity. Walking through the fields with the kids, teaching them how to cross canal locks safely and mucking about in the woods is more important to me than money. I do get lonely though as I've found it impossible to find like minded people where I live!

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    Heavenly Creature parrotandcrow's Avatar
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    I think that the trick is not to look just among like minded people, that is very limiting. Just throw friendly vibes out to everyone, especially those who you feel are very different. That way, you will end up with a large and diverse circle of friends. If you are invited to anything - even stuff like morning coffee at the Vicarage with the mum's you perceive as being posh; go.
    The U.K. Is very class ridden, with people not moving between their imagined social class, but truly; people are more alike than not. Don't be shy, throw your friendliness out there, talk to everyone at every opportunity, and before you know it you will have friends.
    P. S. This gets easier the more you do it. xxx
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    FORM FROM THE VOID Danann's Avatar
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    I know how you feel truly as I went through a similar thing many years ago when my now grown children were at school .....Because I stuck out like a glowing beacon of "Hippy" in a very Circle Of School Wealthy School Mums ...And Me Not Being Wealthy At All ...
    I Could Hear The Conversations Which Were Mostly About High Class Events...Private Lessons Such As Ballet ..Piano...Violin..Exotic Expensive Holidays Etc Etc Etc All Along Those Sort Of Lines ....Which Were Alien To Me...
    I Had Nothing In Common With These People And Felt Like I Always Had A Thousand Eyes On Me Along With A Thousand Whispers As I Would Bounce My Way Past Them Etc....And I Always Felt Really Uncomfortable Around Them As I Had Nothing In Common With These People...Which Then Made Me Think Of My Children Being
    "Would They End Up Being Friendless...Bullied...Not Invited To Birthday Parties ..Outcasted ..Miserable Because These Mums Would Tell Their Children Not To Get Involved With My Children Etc Because Of "ME" And How I Look ..Dress.. Lifestyle Etc ...As My Children Yes May Not Have Had All What These Children Had ...But They Had Sooo Much Love That Money Could Never Buy.....Yes All These Things I Worried And Thought About And Kept Thinking About.

    BUT ...Do You Know What Willowstars?
    It Was Not The Thinking Of These High Society/Upper Class Wealthy Mums ....It Was "My Own Fears...My Own Insecurities...My Own Thoughts Etc Etc Not Theirs.....Due To My Own Lack Of Confidence In Myself And My Shyness...And My Own Personal Thoughts Of How They See Me And How They Must Judge Me....But As Said It Was Not These Mums It Was ME ...

    So Once I Shook Myself And Sucked It Up And In My Own Thoughts .Fears..Insecuritues And Lack Of Confidence And Shyness ....I Took The Plunge And Smiled At Them And Said Hello As I Walked Past At First...Which I Was Surprised To See I Got Lots Of Smiles And Hellos Back Etc ...Then Feeling Braver By That....I Then Took A Bigger Leap Of Faith And Would Say Something Like ...Your Little Girl/Boy Is In My Daughters/Sons Class To Break The Ice And I Was Happily Surprised That It After That Ended Up In Having Great Morning And Hometime Friendly Chats While Waiting For Our Children To Come Out ....And Funny Enough They Meaning The Other Mums Were Really Curious About Me And Wanted To Make Friends And Chat With Me Etc But Were Also "Afraid" To Speak To Me As I Always Seemed Distant To Them hahaha Yep Kinda Funny When I Thought About It Afterwards....And So It Turned Out ...They Was Not The Problem It Was Me And My "Over Thinking" And My Own Fears And Insecurities That Were The Problem....And My Children Had And Made Great Friends At School And Even Grown They Still Remain Friends And As For Me And The Mums ...Well Lets Just Say I Added A Lot Of New Colour Into Their Lifes And Homes ...And Went To Great Parties And BBQs And Made Life Friends Too
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    ))
    So Willowstar Sometimes It Is "Us/Ourselves That Cause The Unnecessary Worry And Fears And Thoughts For Our Children That "Are Not Even There ...They Only Exist In Our Own Minds And Thoughts" And So....Try Not To Worry And Overthink ...Just Accept ..Let Go...And Take That Step Of Believing In Yourself More..Znd Not Overthink About The Differences And What You Feel You Have Nothing In Common With Them....Which To Be Honest You Will Find Out You Do Have A Lot In Common With Them If You Give Them That Chance To Find Out And Take A Chance Yourself ..And You Too Will Make Friends Even Life Friends Just As Your Children Will Too .....And Simply Be Yourself And Remember True Peace ..Love...Happiness And Kindness Money Cannot Buy...So We Are Multi Mahoosive Billionnaires hehehe...
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    )
    Well Thats What I Did As Said ...And I Felt So Much Relief And Peace Because All The Overthinking Of "What If's" And The Constant Thoughts Of "I Have Nothing In Common" ..And "What They Must Think Of Me" etc etc Were Driving Me Bonkers ....And It Turned Out There Was No Need At All For All My Silly Thoughts At All
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    ) x
    Form From The Void & Mists
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    FORM FROM THE VOID Danann's Avatar
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    Oopps forgot to say hahaha...
    That you will truly find that you will bring so much peace fun and laughter to these other school mums as well because YOU will find out like I did which Truly Surprised Me "That You Will Be The Only Person That They Can Truly Be Themselves Around And Relax Around As Well...Which In One Way Is Kind Of Sad I Found ...Because As They Teached Me "With Money Comes Expectations...They Have To Have What Is Thought Of As "The Best Things..The Best Holidays...The Best Clothes..Look Their Best ..Act Their Best Etc Etc Etc ...As They Sadly Live In A Very Competitive And Cold World I Found Out .....So When They Were With Me They Could Let Their Guards Down And Just Be Relaxed And Have True Fun And Laughter ....And Be Prepared For A Barrage Of Questions As Like Me You Will Find Out They Will Be Fascinated By Your Lifestyle And Beliefs And Say Too That They Wished They Could Be Like You/Us Etc ...Which When First Said To Me ."Threw My Mind Into A Boggle And I Must Of Looked Like A Fish With My Mouth Hanging Open hahahaha.....Because Willowstar Their Wealthy Rich Lifestyle Comes With A Lot Of Stress And Constant Pressure ....Which I Found Really Sad ...xx
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    Chilling Out Willowstars's Avatar
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    Danann I'd never thought about it that way before 😀 lots to think about - and yes I never thought about the money and expectations !
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    FORM FROM THE VOID Danann's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Willowstars
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    Danann I'd never thought about it that way before  lots to think about - and yes I never thought about the money and expectations !
    I hope it helped you in some way Willowstar and i wish you love ..peace ..happiness along the way xxx
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    Chilling Out Willowstars's Avatar
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    I was thinking about this thread as I stood in the playground today all cool and calm in my linen loose trousers and shirt! Who in their right minds gets dressed up on a day like today or slathers themselves in fake tan? Loud and proud and working my inner goddess xx

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    Transcending
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    Originally Posted by Willowstars
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    I was thinking about this thread as I stood in the playground today all cool and calm in my linen loose trousers and shirt! Who in their right minds gets dressed up on a day like today or slathers themselves in fake tan? Loud and proud and working my inner goddess xx
    Hi Willowstars,

    I experienced similar things (and still do) as I always seem to have less money than other people we meet at various kid related things. We lived in quite an affluent area when my son was young and mine was always the roughest car in the car park at the various toddler groups and baby type things we used to go to and I have always struggled with self esteem and confidence so I was always quite conscious of the fact that a lot of the other families were quite well off (and one or two were absolutely loaded). What I've realised over the years is that people are people, whatever their situation and background. I've known women who have a very materialistic lifestyle, in the sense that the house is huge, the cars are fancy, they go on holiday three times a year and so on but they're not happily married and there's an awful lot of pressure on people like that to 'keep up with the Joneses'.

    I'm not saying that everyone with money is in that sort of situation but once you get to know people and dig a bit deeper you sometimes find that the glitz and glitter is covering up some pretty crumby stuff, whereas you might be scruffing about in your ten year old jeans and holidaying in the garden this year but you might have a lot more of what really matters in your life, if you see what I mean.

    When my son was three I knew about fifteen local mums via the toddler groups we went to and all of our kids turned three within the same few months of each other. We went to fourteen almost identical parties, all with entertainers, bouncy castles, tables of food, party bags and so on. There was no way I could even afford to buy presents for all of those kids, let alone do a party like that for my son, so we made birthday cards for each child and made little glitter fish mobiles for their rooms. Every single person said they loved them and they thought they were so much nicer than going out and buying a gift because it was so individual and when it came to my son's party I organised a play date at the local park, took along some snacks, drinks and a birthday cake and prayed for sun! Everyone said it was lovely, the kids had a great time and all the mums said they really enjoyed it and wished they'd done something similar, and all it cost was a couple of bumper bags of sweets and crisps.

    I think people do just get caught up in doing what everyone else is doing instead of thinking "what do we fancy?". We've never been on holiday abroad (I can barely stay up on my feet, never mind skis, lol) and we still live week to week generally but my boy's got some lovely memories of festivals and camping trips and caravan holidays where the rain lashed down and we thought we'd get blown off the campsite because the wind was so strong, lol. There's so much focus on material things and outward appearances and so little on feeling loved and cherished and working that inner goddess!

    Anyway, I'm waffling on but just wanted to say that I empathise and I think you'd be surprised to find some of them probably envy you your lifestyle and your outlook on life
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    Heavenly Creature Roamer's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Willowstars
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    Money has always made me feel uncomfortable I just don't like excess. like you say I can survive with nothing so I want for nothing. Which makes me wonder if these people are making me squirm on purpose ( which isn't a nice feeling at all).
    It's not money that makes you feel uncomfortable. Its your own perception of yourself that makes you feel the way you feel.
    It might be an unpopular view but ...
    It is yourself that uses the words "feel" & "feeling".
    Nobody has the power to intentionally make you squirm unless you allow them to do so Willow.
    Stop looking outwards & look within.
    The only person judging you in that playground is you.
    Why on earth would you choose to worry about some idiot that was looking down their nose at you, just coz they had a few more quid in the bank?
    Get a grip & get this sorted.
    Get that head held high & stop upsetting yourself about stuff that shouldn't matter.
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