I didn't know where to put this, as it encapsulates many things going on in my life, but recently, as some of you know, I got in contact with my very absent mother.
There had always been rumors within my family that my grandfather was abusive, hence my mothers woeful attempt at raising us. I had heard that some of it was of a sexual nature, toward my mother and aunt, and my older brother had mentioned things from his childhood that affirmed it.
We grew up in the house my mother did, I had their room. I was always scared in that room. It had a built in wardrobe that went up to the attic, with no door. Just a big black space, darker than the rest of the black within my room, I was always terrified of that dark. I was told that by older brother that he once found scouring pads, pushed under the bath panel, (when my mother was decorating) extremely rusty, covered in a weird slugey substance. I was told that my aunt used to scrub herself with scouring pads (by her own words, to get clean) and she would hide them so he, my grandfather, wouldn't see. My grandmother apparently knew, she let it occur because she was super religious and he was the head of the household. (and he was a vicious, violent cunt)
It turns out the rumors were true. The thing is, my youngest years were spent largely in their care, until my nan died, when I was about five. (my mother was at college at the time) my earliest memories about my childhood, is trying to hide, and being scared. I seriously have nothing but the most vague memory of my childhood. Apparently, according to various papers, this is common amongst people abused as children. Amongst with a whole massive tick list that I fall into, self harm when I was younger, promiscuity too early, eating disorder, depression, strange boundaries, an obsession with layering clothing, fear of the dentists, nail biting, skin picking, fear of being submerged in water/ getting face wet, early sexual behaviour, sensitive gag reflex, panic attack and night terrors to name but a few.
My first boyfriend was 23 when I was thirteen, I didn't think it was weird, and couldn't understand why people were angry.
I'm really just feel that since my mother acknowledged her own abuse at the hands of this man, even though it was in an argumentative angry email, something has unlocked in my mind. I stopped biting my nails over night, I went the dentists even though I'm petrified. I'm having recurring nightmares, and night terrors/sleep paralysis.
I read that sometimes your brain can supress shit until you can sort of cope with it, a disassociation from memory.... I just feel super weird right now. Like her email, stating an unknown truth, has unlocked why I may be so broken. I had to put this somewhere, I'm sorry, I really just needed to organise my thoughts, which until recently seemed I was getting a handle on things, but I feel like dust in a really vicious wind right now 😢