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Thread: So there's a girl in another country...

  1. #1
    the devil's avocado Moderator Paul's Avatar
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    So there's a girl in another country...

    I met a girl about 4 years ago -- I had other obligations and her life was a bit of a car crash - she was at the tail end of a relationship, ended up overdosing and eventually moved back to France (she's French) and now lives in Switzerland and has done for 3 and a half years.

    We've stayed in touch, remained online friends, and I've watched her life change - she's now single, no children, teetotal, emotionally sorted and vegan -- she ticks a lot of boxes for me, and I do for her.

    She's coming to London in August for the first time since she left and we've been making plans to hook up - the level of flirting has been epic, but we're also both doing this hot/cold pretending not to care thing, which is kinda confusing!

    So she's got a schedule, an itinerary of all the things she wants to do in the 5 days she's here - her plan is to meet all her old friends and fit me in around that, which I understand, but it's kinda got my back up -- I feel that I'm not the priority that I should be. I'm annoyed but my annoyance feels irrational.

    Ultimately, it doesn't make sense to have long distance relationship with someone in Zurich -- she's saying we could keep things "open", which doesn't appeal at all, but I don't see her as one-night-stand material either; it feels like it has to be all or nothing and that's quite scary.
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    I have more red flags waving than communist China and I'm tempted to just leave it altogether, but I may end up shooting myself in the foot -- so, what would you do?
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  2. #2
    Radiant Being Lightbringer's Avatar
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    Marry me?

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  3. #3
    Radiant Being Lightbringer's Avatar
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    If your heart and head are telling you different things then don't go there

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  4. #4
    FORM FROM THE VOID Danann's Avatar
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    Even Though I Be Farrrr From A Relationship Guru Or Adviser.....If It Was Me....And I Was Feeling All Those Mixed Muddle Feelings And Red Flags Waving Etc Paul ...Esp Feeling Like Having To Be Fitted In Etc And Not Feel Like I Was Important Enough To Be Given Priority Etc And Have As Already Said To Be Fitted In ...
    I Would Walk Away And Not Get Involved Emotionally ...And Treat Them Just As A Friend From Afar.

    Ok If You Just Want To Have Sex And That Can Be Emotionless And Just Simply Sex That Means Nothing Then Yes Have Sex ...But If You Cannot Have Emotionless Non Meaning Sex Like Me ...Then Dont Go Down That Road As You Will End Up Wanting More ..Hoping For More Etc And Just Feel Hurt At The End...

    But Like I Said Paul I Am Far From Relationship Guru Advisor Etc....But I Always Speak Truthfully From My Heart And Honestly ...Even If Sadly That Truthfulness Stings And Hurts Somebody Because Thats Not What They Want To Hear Or Accept But Not In A Mean Bad Way ...Only In A Way To Help Them Or Stop Them Getting Hurt In Their Heart Mind Body And Spirit.. .Which Is Far Worse Than Not Wanting To Hear The Truth And Accept The Truths If That Kinda Makes Sense Paul To You....But In The End It Be Up To You To Choose What Footsteps You Walk Down That Road With Paul ...

    (((Hugggs))) Danann
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    Form From The Void & Mists
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  5. #5
    Heavenly Creature Wulfie's Avatar
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    Four years is a long time for no physical contact and as you've said, she was a carcrash now sorted and lifes moved on for both of you. Until you actually meet again you're not going to know if there's anything to build on or whether you've just built a 'maybe world' in your head and disappointment could rear it's head. (I have lots of 'maybe worlds' in my head) She could well be feeling the same as you but won't say it so meet, enjoy, discuss options along the way and maybe you may end up with the gnomes in a non-EU country.
    Not all who wander are lost
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  6. #6
    Afloat ... or adrift? marshlander's Avatar
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    As a veteran of a fourteen-year relationship with a French man I thoroughly recommend a French lover
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    but, that aside, I did not enter this arrangement with any expectation of a relationship.let alone one that has gone on this long. I actually wanted my teenage years, which I felt I had earned. However, he knew as soon as we met and it took me another six months to catch up with him.

    Zürich,? Pah, easy. Same as Genève, just on a different border with a different language.

    The thing about our long-distantance relationship is that we never run out of things to talk about and we make sure we are in touch most days anyway. That honeymoon rush of chemicals in the new relationship lasted for the first six years, which was amazing, if a bit exhausting.

    He'll be here the day after tomorrow and we shall be together on the boat, or in the van, close enough to 24/7 for the next six weeks. Judge us at Dovedale, he's coming with me and going back to France on the Tuesday ...
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    Take it easy, Paul. If you are both interested you can't do worse than giving it a go and seeing what happens.

    Best wishes and good luck.

    x
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  7. #7
    Peace Practitioner! Cobra's Avatar
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    Sort of similar story Paul with my husband and I.Although our "break"was'nt 4 yrs,it was much longer than that,and I was in Australia,my husband in the UK,so it can happen!
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    The priority thing?I get where you're coming from with that.No one likes to feel like "Ah well if I can fit you into my schedule"type scenario but she may be just pacing and protecting herself,so try not to take that too personally. Its clear you obviously like eachother alot,so if it were me?I would keep an open mind,meet up?If the chemistry is there,the time spent together will then become a priority for you both right?She lives in another country?Thats no biggie really in the scheme of things.If things progress,then cross that bridge when you come to it.Most of all though,have fun and enjoy the experience.
    PS..I think I'd clear the "open"issue with her from the beginning.Again she might of just added that as a way of protecting herself but you won't know until you discuss it.Best wishes and hope all goes well xo
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    You are the creator of your own reality!
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  8. #8
    Non of this matters NomadicRT's Avatar
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    Might help.if you stopped with the mixed messages nonsense

    "She's coming to London in August for the first time since she left and we've been making plans to hook up - the level of flirting has been epic, but we're also both doing this hot/cold pretending not to care thing, which is kinda confusing! "

    Of course its confusing because youre both making it confusing. Stop flirting and then making out youre not really bothered.Does it really matter if your pride gets dented if it doesnt work.out. Just meet up and be honest with each other.Its far easier than psychoanalysis of every move and playing the interested disinterested game.
    Hebridean at heart..everywhere else is just somewhere on the way back there...
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  9. #9
    Heavenly Creature popuptoaster's Avatar
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    Tell her how you feel and see what happens, if you dont tell her and it goes tits up you'll regret it, at least if you told her and shes not interested you'll be able to move on a bit easier and you never know your luck, she might feel the same way.
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  10. #10
    Heavenly Creature
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    if you are both running hot and cold she may just be "fitting you in" around other plans to protect herself, it may not be exactly what shes really meaning but a way of protecting herself. after all her life has changed a lot since you two last met, just cos she has changed her life and is ready to come half way across europe to see you doesnt mean she is ready to get hurt or rejected by you. she is probably as confused about whats going to happen as you are
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  11. #11
    Heavenly Creature
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    sounds like she is simply just cramming as much into a week as she can as well as mitigating her risk, sensible girl.
    By risk, I mean that if she had dedicated the entire week to you and it didn't work out, then what ?

    5 days is too short if you have lots of memories to refresh.

    I'd approach it with an open mind and see how it goes, set aside your expectations and go along for the ride, if you are going to properly click, it'll surely happen sooner rather than later.

    Ask your Angels for guidance and hear what they say.

    james (who is extremely crap at relationships anyways.)
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  12. #12
    Shed Junkie alices wonderland's Avatar
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    I'm just up for you finding the partner of your dreams and support any chance for you to get your rocks with a mare in her prime.
    But seriously. If anyone has the skills to judge a potential relationship, You have all the qualifications. Follow your heart Paul. Scary as it may get. Your worth it. I hope she gets to see that for herself.

    If she does come to London and does make the time for you. I recon all of us tight hippy fkers, who have enjoyed your forum, taken your hard work and effort for granted. We should take this opportunity to all chip in, to give you the cash to go rock this gal in style.

    What you say hippies?
    even a gypsy caravan is too much settling down.
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  13. #13
    Non of this matters NomadicRT's Avatar
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    Are we paying for the wedd8ng and honeymoon Steve ? I need to know cause ill have to start saving nectar points...
    Hebridean at heart..everywhere else is just somewhere on the way back there...
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  14. #14
    Radiant Being emmadilemma's Avatar
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    You'd be mad to not meet her and see what happens! You'll not know until you see her in person whether it's worth persuing or not. At the very least, you should try to get a holiday to Zurich out of it
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  15. #15
    Just go with the flow, and have a talk about what you both want. Seems silly to piddle about at your age. Lol

  16. #16
    Shed Junkie alices wonderland's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by NomadicRT
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    Are we paying for the wedd8ng and honeymoon Steve ? I need to know cause ill have to start saving nectar points...
    Steady on. He might get the hot end of a shotgun wedding if it's London prices at the bar.
    even a gypsy caravan is too much settling down.
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  17. #17
    Heavenly Creature popuptoaster's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Miss_bee
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    Just go with the flow, and have a talk about what you both want. Seems silly to piddle about at your age. Lol
    Agreed, life's to short for flimflammery, say what you want and say what you have to offer and see what happens, we're all going to look back at our lives and regret some things, don't make wasting time one of them.
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  18. #18
    Batshit Crazy. groove's Avatar
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    it's better to regret something you did do than something you didn't..............
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  19. #19
    Flimflammery
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  20. #20
    Heavenly Creature
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    Originally Posted by alices wonderland
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    If she does come to London and does make the time for you. I recon all of us tight hippy fkers, who have enjoyed your forum, taken your hard work and effort for granted. We should take this opportunity to all chip in, to give you the cash to go rock this gal in style.

    What you say hippies?
    steady on!!! we cant even get enough ppl to contribute to keeping the forum up n running never mind someone elses nights out
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  21. #21
    Shed Junkie alices wonderland's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pyke13
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    steady on!!! we cant even get enough ppl to contribute to keeping the forum up n running never mind someone elses nights out
    na, some people expect the world to owe them a living, but the same people will readily share their party bag, even with strangers. Besides whenever have we seen a microchip smile!
    even a gypsy caravan is too much settling down.

  22. #22
    One life, live it Bernie's Avatar
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    She's not real, the years of flirtation, text sex or whatever has created a fantasy figure in your mind that may bear little relation to the real person. Its easy to paint pictures in the mind. Why not wait till you meet her

    I have a really great relationship with my first wife, but only because we talk by keyboard
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  23. #23
    If you don't at least meet up and see how it goes you'll always regret it and forever is a long long time. Keep us posted x
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  24. #24
    Good advice.

    So, how's it going Paul?

    Time for an update?
    Roughing it smoothly...

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